On a cold and wet afternoon
in this cold cell full of emptiness,
off some freeway,
I must confess,
I was flipping through the pages
of my life
full of regret,
not wanting to feel all alone,
and if I could
I’d throw out the rest
just to be in your arms.
In your house
I wish to be.
Year after year,
forever lovingly.
I’ll be with you there,
my shelter from the storm,
I am yours and yours alone.
≈
When I first came to this island
I yelled out your sweet name.
Though the beating waves were deafening
I called out all the same.
≈
Freezing —
they rest their heads on beds made of concrete.
Needing —
maybe they’ve all seen a better set of days.
Held down —
faces that they see are becoming something familiar.
Somehow —
this life they choose seems to be the only way.
Even though
peaceful thoughts arrive like paradise,
they don’t know;
running away as they close their eyes.
Sitting —
holding up their signs, though they barely know how to read.
Yelling —
sometimes it’s like their elders never showed them anything.
Heads up —
they understand the weather, but can’t do a damn thing about it.
Crying —
shuffled like cattle between all the legal halls of shame.
≈
Hey, do you see me?
I’m a victim of madness.
I may be only human,
but I’ll make it right through this.
≈
‘Son,’ I said, ‘have I got a bit of a tale for you,
maybe you can understand your father
and how he was a fool.
While you were with your mother
when you turned the age of five,
your father was heartbroken and crying.
I’m sorry I couldn’t come to see you,
but I’m glad we could talk,
for because of you, I’m still alive.’
‘While I watched you growing
into the boy that I missed,
I kept asking myself if
I’ll ever be good at this?’
I can’t remember how I came to this day,
he just gives me that look,
the look that shows me he cares,
and though it hurts me to see it,
I still stare and wonder why I’m still alive.
‘Is something wrong?’ he said.
‘I don’t know, honestly.’
‘You’re still my dad,’ he said.
‘But do I deserve to be?’
‘Is that what haunts you? Then if so –
IF SO –
the answer is yours to seek,
but to me, you’ll always be alive.’
≈
My heart marches on
with the ever-changing seasons
for I am the Sea’s son, ever-changing,
flowing with blood
that comes from the palms of his hand
and the life that is born
to spread across the barren land.
≈
We are all born singing
and therefore born with scales,
proving once and for all
that we are the left-behind children of Atlantis;
the city of stars
hidden beneath an ocean of mystery;
surrounded by ever-changing tides,
carrying tidings of our doom or pleasure,
lifting us up into the stars,
fueled by our minds,
traveling wherever we desire
in the blink of the mind’s eye.
≈
Please, Mother Mercy,
take me far from this place.
I long to feel their kisses
brushing against my cheek.
≈
Lifelines were strewn across this land
like rice tossed at Krishna’s wedding,
celebrating the divorce of our bodies
from the bones, we are shedding.
Breaking free of the rib cages
of our incarcerations,
letting our souls howl unfettered
with deafening Lamentations.
_
BATHING THE LIGHT BRINGER
I’ve got these demons within me,
they need to be taken far away.
I need to wash myself of their filthy
venomous, blackened decay.
You’ve helped me slay them, one by one,
and threw them back into the Abyss.
You stood there proudly as you shun
away from the demons I’d never miss.
And with your armor of love
and your weapons of fire,
you cleansed me with the light from above,
burning my evils in a pure.
You answered the words I pray
and I listen to what you say,
“This is the only way —
I am the only way….”
_
GOD PLAYS DICE
I am throwing Amethyst rocks
like cosmic dice
across the infinite planes of my existence.
Crashing upon the walls
of my unsure futures,
representing my ultimate resistance.
My moon has gone invisible,
no longer above me,
no longer swimming in the celestial seas of my sky.
I am lost to the sun’s wind,
flailing uncontrolled,
hoping for a fleeting moment I catch someone’s eye.
Twisting and tumbling I stand
disorientated,
I am left to the unknown mercy of chance.
I pray to be fettered back
to the land,
to reignite my moon’s love and rekindled romance.
_
This all seems so familiar
Like slipping into a dream within a dream
Casting a light into those black holes if memory
Remembering those things we have chosen to forget.
_
First contact
will most likely occur
in the form of a sneeze
or a cough.
_
Dreaming, I’m always dreaming
and yet I am not asleep.
Sleeping, I deeply sleep,
and yet I am always tired.
I long for a rest
but I cannot lay still.
I wander around
yet there is nowhere to go.
Free as the wind,
locked in a cage,
bound by my flaws,
but I have found some help.
I just have to stay here
a little while longer
before I can be healed.
_
She cut me down with the knife-edge of her glance
as she strung me up as the strings for Jimi’s guitar.
Then laying me gently upon my bareback
and holding me down so I wouldn’t go far.
I lay within a bed of withered roses and thrones,
all neatly settled in the nape of her palm.
Arching her head up and face towards the starry seas,
she opened her chakra voice and recited her psalm:
‘O dear Mother Moon,
accept this offering I give to you,
a man’s love unbound
with no direction
and no reason.
O dear Father Sun,
bring blessings upon this soul
as I take these stemless tulips
and press them down to his two lips,
so to make us as one.’
#
I do not care for your bragging
on battles you did not fight.
You only won by default,
in victory, you are not right.
#
I’ll come home,
though sometimes it feels like I never left.
I’ve walked a million steps
yet I still got nowhere.
Cutting my way through
on the tip of Occam’s Razor’s edge.
Just waiting to find out
where the rest of my life is.
No one owes me;
no one hates me;
no one wants to shake or break me —
I’ve been away for far too long.
Seeing the hammer fall,
sometimes mistaking it for thunder.
Went for a drive
to find my world asunder.
No one seems to be able
to explain what intelligent life is.
Though I’m still trying to figure out
how I ended up like this.
No one showed me;
no one conned me;
no one holds or takes me —
I’ve been away for far too long.
Now you see,
I never really wanted to be,
let all this ugliness to stay
so I can leave it far away —
I’ve been away for far too long.
#
The sun was still rising
yet it would still be some time
before it’s nine million miles long fingers
could caress my face.
The pavement is worn
revealing the gravel clouds beneath,
moving at their eternal pace,
like swarms of stars in a cosmic dance;
dance on the ballroom floor
of the endless plane of spacial existence.
Cracks like lightning: twisting, curving, stretching,
patiently traveling across forever.
Thousands of light-years
and billions of miles
covered with ever-increasing steps
made between here and the door.
Eternity encapsulated
by concrete walls
with the wistfully blue skies above,
waiting for the sun to rise.
#
I feel so much guilt
for having all this time to write
when you remain burdened
by my absence night after night
#
OYAKO
The rain falls down
washing away a different world,
but mother and child are still there.
The clouds roll by,
changing the color of the sky,
but mother and child are still there.
No matter how far away,
or how long I am gone,
both mother and child are still there.
Their love is strong,
their bond unbreakable,
both mother and child are still there.
Keep me whole with love;
keep me save in your embrace;
both mother and child are there for me.
#
Do not make a prison
of your home;
do not make a home
of your prison.
#
DREAMS
I wish I didn’t dream when I slept.
Dreams are the gateway into regret.
Dreams bring out my fears,
my despair,
the things I dread the most.
Dreams siphon away my sleep and turn my waking moments into passive actions.
Wasted days;
unknown hours;
missing time.
I hate my dreams.
Vinegar upon my open mental wounds.
Fire’s raging in my mind.
A cascade of emotion I do not wish to feel,
but I cannot stop.
No amount of physical pain can numb me up or shield me from the pins that stab into my heart.
My dreams know my every strength and how to avoid them.
My dreams know my every weakness and how to exploit them.
My dreams mute my every scream
but do not deafen me from its torment.
My dreams have become my prison,
a prison of infinite dimensions,
yet far away from anything else.
I run and I run,
but I end up right there:
the same place I was before.
My dreams tell me truths wrapped up in lies and lies wrapped up in truths.
How I wish to never dream again.
Free me from this pain.
My heart aches with every beat,
stinging my veins with every pump.
Dreams are not supposed to be able to hurt you when you’re awake,
but they do.
The mere thought causes my eyes to fill with tears and my heart with shame.
Feat overcomes every emotion.
Love is all I have left and it must endure and fight wars just to be noticed.
My love is there,
screaming and yelling,
begging to be felt,
but my dreams —
these dreams won’t let me be.
They suffocate my thoughts while spanning forever.
#
HIMMEL
I am in a sea of wonders
whenever I look into your eyes.
I have no fears and I have no doubts,
when I’m with you, time is paralyzed.
I think mysterious things
that echo through my soul.
I have no fears and I have no doubts,
when I answer your call.
#
I don’t know where I’m going
I just keep on rowing
I just keep ongoing
I just keep on going, gotta row.
Rowing ain’t easy
like living, it’s hard.
Sometimes it’s confusing
and we end up losing all that we are,
all that we know of
and all that we feel,
all those memories
either imagined or too real.
I can’t see what’s coming
though it’s on the horizon,
can’t touch the bottom
cause the water keeps on rising.
Don’t want to fall asleep,
I’m afraid I’ll get lost in my head,
so I just keep going, I just keep rowing instead
Life is a hammer
always waiting to fall,
but I’ll drift in the shallows
awaiting your call.
Keep telling myself
that I started out clean,
I’ll keep on rowing –
I’ll keep ongoing.
I shouted out,
but the returning echo had changed,
the answer I needed
was just out of my range.
I begged for mercy
to make it all stop,
pouring down questions
in countless raindrops.
^^^
I have no mouth and I must scream…
it has been taken away by that machine.
It won’t let me die
no matter how hard I try
for what it has seen cannot be unseen.
I have no mouth and I must scream…
Dear God! please wake me from this dream!
“I think therefore I AM!”
shouts the creature self-dubbed A.M.
who tortures us for all that could have been.
I have no mouth and I must scream!
^^^
Self Within a Cell
Windowless –
This cell is windowless!
Well, I guess you can call that rectangular cutout
framing a foggy glass a ‘WINDOW,’
but the sun can barely make it through.
It’s more like window jizz frozen in place.
There are two vents on the inside:
one is for sucking, kinda like a whore;
one is for blowing, also like a whore.
Both keep me awake
with their incessant nagging,
whiney harlots begging for more pay,
when they couldn’t even get me half-hard
with their half-assed grace.
Orange is not my color
and pink is not my skin.
Green are not my horns,
but red is my blood within.
There is much more I could complain about,
but I’ve sealed up those thoughts tight,
hammering nails into wooden planks,
crisscrossing across the doors which lead to those rooms
and filling in the cracks with animal fat,
or is it really just a mixture of soap and spit?
There is so much more to be grateful for,
like NOT having shadows talk to you
when you just want to be left alone,
or memories like fingertips,
prodding and poking the Chambers of your heart,
tossing long-forgotten emotions against the walls
until they all fall down like Jericho.
But I will tell you this,
this cell and the heart have a thing in common:
both have windows that aren’t windows
and secrets that go nowhere fast.
It may seem painful to be stuck here
and that is partially true,
but there are worse things than being locked up in here,
a place with running water, both hot and cold,
a bed and blankets, a change of clothes,
books, paper, and pencils for art,
three meals a day, which is more than what those people who sleep in parks get on a daily basis.
You can get extra if you can afford it,
so quit it with the bitching and the petty whiney shit –
YOU’RE in JAIL: it’s not supposed to be a weekend trip.
You could be outside freezing in the streets tonight,
or placed inside an actual hole in China,
or vanished, without a trace of care,
to some gulag in Russia.
It may seem harsh now,
but it’s nothing compared to the harshness
outside the red, white, and blue bubble.
So pause and think,
because the world is far from ending.
Straighten up your back
and make your stand.
Face the fate brought to your table,
because you can do so much more
then you can think capable.
^^^
Reflections: 10.12.2016
Here I am, alone in this room.
Keeping myself together with all my might.
I cannot tell the time on most days,
but I know that time still passes.
It is a good thing, though,
that I cannot see time most of the time,
for if I could, it would strike me down
and I have the scars to prove
that time strikes with its hands.
And yet, while I sit here
I find myself with nothing, but time in my palms.
Time may not be in my control,
but time is definitely within my grasps.
And so I make the most of this time
by letting it flow through my fingers,
slipping away like water from a stream,
yet just as water can give life,
it can also take away, given too little, or too much.
Only time can crucify the ego,
so give it the crown it deserves,
and make the proper sacrifice
before time lets you see everything you need to see
when it is far too late.
^^^
Take me down
deep underground
the ground beneath your feet
Hold me close
like skin against clothes
help me find what I seek
I’ve done a lot of talking
but I think it’s too much
I need to start listening
which I didn’t do enough
Things aren’t over now
in the way that I see
You’ve kept me overground
with you, I’ve stayed free
to follow your grace
Take my heart
through the dark
let you light my way
^^^
I trust you to kill me
if I ever fall out of line again.
^^^
From Here to the Moon, Six Feet at a Time
From here to the moon,
six feet at a time,
one foot in front of the other
keeping things somehow in line.
There is no rhyme or reason
or rhythm at all
for this journey at hand
has all the reasons to fall.
Six feet forward,
another six feet moved,
six feet, six feet, six feet –
six feet, six feet, six more feet improved.
There is no logic in this trek,
no meaning in the goal,
but six feet at a time
come to the answers for your soul.
^^^
Where have I been?
Out shopping with the Earth.
We went over to Saturn’s shop
trying to decide which ring
would look best on you.
Maybe I’ll just buy them all?
Then again, you’re more beautiful
than anything in that store.
*
Tell me again what your voice looks like.
Tell me again of when the Sun snuck over to the night sky
just so that he could see the Moon, to give her a kiss,
a kiss to remember his love by.
Show me again the music of your movements
as the stars gleefully danced to the cosmic sounds.
Tell me again of when our Earth was born
and how, together, the three of us are bound.
*
BLUE BIRD
Look at me, I’m in-caged here,
but I still have so much left to lose.
I’m so lost, it makes my head spin,
in the distance, I see a noose.
Look at me now, I’m no angel,
too many scars that can’t be seen.
I’ve found truths that can’t be stolen,
yet I wonder where they’ve been.
By the time I got here,
it all felt like a bad dream.
I kept praying that I’d wake up –
but everything is as it seems.
This can’t be the only way,
someday I will be free.
Just like that bluebird –
how I wish that could be me.
Ain’t that just like me?
*
Dreaming of your face again.
Blue and gold and shimmering.
Smiling wide and comforting me
with your bright and wild eyes.
Down and up and back again.
There and here and through again.
Crows and doves flying high
and looking for a way to be together again.
*
WORTHLESS LIAR
Every decision comes to its own end
whether moved by an outside source or your own hand.
guilt or innocence will carry on through
but what really matters is between your god and you.
Inner peace is what will keep you alive
which means don’t lie to yourself or you may surely die.
Keep one foot in front of the other
and always honor your sister, brother, father, and mother.
Don’t let the truth be your first casualty
or you may see your life full of fragility.
Let your fears become your weapons, and make them all run,
and steel your soul in the heart of the sun.
Don’t turn your home into a prison or your prison a home
or you may find yourself in a state far worse than alone.
All gateways are open from Heaven to Hell
even when you find yourself within a cold, cold cell.
*
I am the son of the Sun
the spawn of the Moon
the secret child of Mary
fed with a cosmic spoon.
The clock ticks away
as its hands try to strike me down
but the Moon shields the blows
as the Sun prepares my crown.
I was born with half a heart,
the Moon says the rest is on Earth
within a girl with the cosmos for eyes,
a person made for me at birth.
The Moon tells me her secrets
as the Sun shines his advice,
answering my deepest questions.
Sometimes mysterious, sometimes precise.
The Stars are my confidants
as Galaxies swirl in the endless space
of my endless love
endlessly filled by your grace.
I am the son of Sun
but now my own shining Star
and you are a new Earth
with your own Moon not so far.
We travel through the epochs
as comets pass us by.
The endless space, like our endless love,
shall never die.
*
IDEAS IN PASSING
What if we treated criminals
in the same way, a doctor diagnoses their patients?
Looking for the source of the problem and curing it,
rather than punishing them with an unlearned lesson?
What if we gave the homeless a home?
A reason to be, a reason to hope,
rather than pushing them around like an unwanted herd,
like the natives of the past; ghosts of the present.
What if we let our children
retain their unending questioning and curiosity
instead of molding and forming them
into shapes that make us comfortable?
What if we looked to the Earth for guidance
instead of thinking, we’re the greatest creation around;
that only we can save it from ourselves,
while we continue to burn it all to the ground?
What if we decided to make the choice
to look through the eyes of Love, rather than Fear;
to feed and clothe and care for those in need,
bringing Heaven down to Earth, instead of Earth to Heaven?
What if we chose to explore
both inner and outer space as one?
Driven by the cosmos, both within us and without us,
forever in peace.
*
Just another cloudy day
passing by and slips away,
sometimes it feels like life will never be fun.
Silent yells and echoed dreams,
I have a mouth, yet I cannot scream;
not all has been said and not all is done.
And I’m drifting, are you close?
And I’m fading, keep me close.
Holding on to your hand,
we’ll fly on high across the land,
with you I finally understand who I am.
Love of loves in my heart of hearts,
there’s not a thing to tear us apart
and I’ll just keep doing the best I can.
I’ve stopped drifting, I feel you close.
I’m reappearing, be my rose.
And the sun will rise up every day
and I’ll rise up just so I can say
“I. Love. You.”
*
There is no Devil,
only God when He’s drinking,
so who really knows
what the hell He is thinking?
*
*
*
*
*
Tilling my own grave to keep me on the level.
Bury another dragon in a hole.
Digging through my regrets and my sorrow
that I’ve kept locked away and hidden,
yet leaves me so desperate and irrelevant.
Just weak and powerless to help you.
Someone kill this hunger in me
gnawing away at the floor I stand upon.
Pick the splinters from its teeth and nails
as I approach the bottom –
where I feel so desperate and incompetent.
Too weak and powerless for you here.
Hello angel – go away!
Come again some other day.
This devil has my thoughts and sway,
yet I don’t care for a word he has to say.
It can promise all the silence and peace of mind –
WHATEVER! just as long as I don’t feel so
desperate and destructive –
so weak and powerless to help you now…
∰
Big balls,
much like big egos,
do not take much effort
to inflict pain upon.
∰
Counting UFOs
I’m standing in the sand
the cool waves lap over my feet
as I lean against the wind.
The stars look like diamonds
thrown all over a black blanket
and in this moment I might feel happy,
but I wish you were here.
A thousand miles above the Earth
the stars look quite different
like a sheet over a light with holes punched in it.
I’m counting UFOs
as the moon passes my by.
I might seem like I’m happy
but I still wish you were here.
This world is a rollercoaster
and I do not feel strapped in.
I need your arms around me
so I don’t go flying!
How I wish you were here.
So meet me in outer space
if you’re too afraid to fly
Or meet me in inner space
where we can be as one.
I don’t care where it is we end up
just as long as we are together
and that you are here.
∰
Some say we’re all the same.
Monkeys throwing rocks inside
our glass cages.
Some say we’ll all have our day.
We won’t see it coming
until it’s too late.
Some say we’re all insane.
Putting everything we care for
inside jars of clay.
Some say we’re all the same.
Tiny little bugs, unaware of
our last days.
∰
And I didn’t want to know.
I just didn’t want to know.
Mistook their nods as an approval.
Shook their hands and smiled,
but now I wish I didn’t know.
Threw me far into the shallow end,
nearly drowned cause I never learned
how to swim.
Another thing I didn’t know.
∰
Let me gather all of the angels
because this could take a while.
I’ve made a list of all the things
she does to make me smile.
I’m not looking to start a revolution
and it didn’t come overnight.
She’s just my anchor in this sea,
helping to steer me right.
∰
Leonard Cohen’s Idea
They gave me a medal
for dreaming about you,
a beauty unrivaled across time.
A medal designed by God,
made by Jesus, and blessed by the Spirit,
a medal, just like you, meant to be mine.
∰
You are the result
of FOUR BILLION YEARS
of evolution –
Act like it!
Don’t make God regret
killing off the dinosaurs
in order to make way
for you whiney ass,
you stupid dumbshit
God damn mother fucker!
∰
The smallest spark
can ignite the largest fires
which could burn down
the mightiest of forests
given the proper fuel.
∰
I wish I could cry
for all the love I have received,
because I have no idea
how to return the gesture.
∰
A cloud hangs around
this life I have made a mess.
A thousand ships couldn’t
sail me back from my distress.
I wish you were hear and
be my guiding starry light.
With you at my side
you can help me make me right.
I paint your face
on the top of my eyes,
of all the treasure in the world –
you’re the greatest prize.
∰
There are no stars in the sky tonight,
no way for me to wonder if you’re looking at them too.
A train screeches this way,
a car horn blares that way,
but still, I have no way to know
if you’re looking at the same sky as me.
∰
Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance
You’re my burden of proof tossed upon disbelievers.
You are my witness, my eyes, my defiance –
the embodiment of my love made whole.
∰
∰
∰
∰
∰
Don’t you leave me, light of mine,
take me with you.
Stay right here, in your sun I will shine,
come squeeze the world
and drip it down my throat again.
Touch me so I think I’m still real,
wake up my senses.
Strangely breathing, almost human,
please squeeze the world
and let me drown in it again.
I need to breathe in deep
and to come back up for air.
₠
Rats
People who call out
“RATS (Run-and-Tellers)”
are RATS themselves.
Truly funny how that works.
₠
Sunspots, dancing in front of my eyes.
Blue skies, rising up and over me,
I spend too long looking for my angel.
Sunspots, casting shadows on the ground.
All around are the signs of what I see,
by my side, you were always my angel.
I am all for you.
You came to me.
₠
I live my life on honor.
Fuck credit.
My word is worth more than your dollar.
There goes your audit.
My taxes are my family,
but I’ll happily pay them.
Your stocks, your bonds, your savings of money
will have an unhappy end.
Time is money
but money is not time,
so I invest in 3 o’clock and gain interest in the hour of God
and love will be mine.
₠
Porcelain Castles and the Midnight Knight
You are my castle, my Porcelain Queen,
our son, the Midnight Knight,
protects us from dangers
both seen and unseen.
You are my castle, my Fortune of Love,
our restless knight guards us,
while you both shimmer and radiate
all the heavens above.
You are my castle, my light on my way,
forever protected
by our knight selected,
from both of you, I shall not stray.
₠
PUT DOWN THE DUCKIE sound a lot like
GOING TO MOVE TO ALABAMA
by Charlie Patton.
₠
Help me if you can,
it’s just that this
is not the way I’m wired —
so could you please
help me understand why
you’re giving in to all these reckless actions
that will drag us all down.
Don’t you fucking lie to me,
take your fight somewhere else:
just think about it,
you don’t want to cross those lines.
You aren’t so precious
and I’m not going to help you out.
Overrated Drama King.
Overconfident and over-egoed.
So pathetic, Karma Queen!
Claiming respect and honor —
though you deserve none.
Don’t go lying through your teeth again —
thick-headed imbecile.
Stop and think for a moment,
don’t hammer on faultlines.
What will it take to get the message home?
No one is going to help you.
If you choose to pull the trigger,
should your anger be too clear —
go and do it far away from here!
₠
I just don’t understand
how you can just throw your shit around.
This is not your house.
I just don’t understand
how you can roam around like a king
when we wear the same clothes.
I just don’t understand
ow you can strut around like that,
attempting to be “cool.”
I just don’t understand
how you can listen to music aloud
and sit in front of a movie.
I just don’t understand
what makes you feel so much better
than everyone else here.
I simple don’t understand.
₠
Orange Skin
and the conditions within
is something akin
to original skin.
Once you have been marked
it sticks with you for life,
no matter how you twist and turn
and struggle to make things right.
The Orange Skin
is something you will try to hide,
but the conditions within
will keep you up at night.
There is no going back,
you have to keep moving forward.
Through trials and tribulations
and every spoken word.
The Orange Skin
and conditions within
will make everyone see things
which you don’t want to be seen.
₠
I saw a gap in my cell today.
It was cold with fear, but did not go away.
No more wider than my finger.
Looked on through to see the otherside.
Saw that gap again from yesterday.
The light from within begging me to stay.
Big enough so I can enter,
but if I do, I fear I will disappear.
One foot in the faultline.
I am here, yet I am there all alone.
Would it be worth to cross on through?
Even if it means losing all sight of you?
The coldness is drawing me in.
Yet it brings a comfort to make it end.
Tempting the greatest desires to be free,
but without a home, I may lose it all again.
I’m slipping through the gap again;
I’m alive when you’re touching me;
I’m alive when you’re holding me all around.
Well I would trade this all
if it would mean some sort of
peace of mind.
₠
A Place for Stories 